Lance Armstrong is pretty much amazing at everything. He’s a 7-time Tour de France winner, he runs his own foundation and clothing line, he has dated beautiful and talented women, he hangs out with celebrities, he stars in movies and commercials, and he even finished a New York City marathon. And oh yeah, he also beat cancer.
We all want to cheer for Lance, but if you’re an average human, then seeing him excel in so many areas can be discouraging. He’s setting world records and you can’t even solve the final puzzle on “Wheel of Fortune?” It doesn’t seem fair.
Well, don’t feel so bad. Not everything Lance Armstrong does is amazing. Take a look at Lance’s 10 least impressive accomplishments…
10) His Cameo in Dodgeball
The scene is hilarious, but Lance’s acting could use a little work. Overall it’s pretty good, but “pretty good” for Lance Armstrong is equivalent to “insufficient” for a normal human.
9) Starting the Gel Bracelet Trend
Over 70 million LiveStrong Bracelets have been sold to date, and the popularity of these gel bracelets has raised a significant amount of money for charity. It’s a great thing, no doubt about it. What’s not a great thing are the trendy knock-offs that were everywhere just a few years ago. Helping raise awareness and money for cancer is admirable and should be commended. Helping raise awareness and money for Mitch’s bachelor party is not, regardless of how cool the MitchStrong bracelets may have looked. This was an unintentional accomplishment by Lance, but an accomplishment nonetheless.
8) Drove the Pace Car at the Indy 500
In 2006, Lance Armstrong started the Indianapolis 500 by driving the pace car during the opening pace laps. However, on just the second lap of the race, driver Jeff Buckman spun out and struck another car, leading to a caution period. Obviously Armstrong did not set an appropriate pace; otherwise there wouldn’t have been an accident so quickly.
7) Won the 2000 Tour de France
Armstrong won the Tour de France from 1999-2005, with an average time of 86 hours, 36 minutes and 35 seconds. But in his 2000 victory, Lance finished with a time of 92 hours, 33 minutes and 8 seconds. Man, he really mailed that one in.
6) Dated Ashley Olsen
C’mon, we all know Mary-Kate is cuter.
5) Failed to Stop the Iraq War
Armstrong has clearly stated in the past that he is against the Iraq War. However, the cyclist is also a friend of President Bush, and has taken mountain biking trips with the Commander-in-Chief. Armstrong wants the war to be over, and the President can stop the war, so if these two are such good buddies, why doesn’t Armstrong just tell Bush to end the war? If Lance is as great as everyone says, then surely the President would listen to him.
4) Inspired Mid-level Sheryl Crow Hits
Sheryl Crow rose to fame in the mid-to-late 90s with hit songs like “My Favorite Mistake,” “A Change Would Do You Good” and “Anything But Down,” all of which explored various aspects of relationships. But while dating Lance Armstrong from 2003 to 2006, Sheryl did not release any relationship-themed massive hit singles. In fact, she only had one huge hit during that time, and it was a cover of the Cat Stevens song “The First Cut is the Deepest.”
3) His Name
Lance is named after former Dallas Cowboys receiver Lance Rentzel. Rentzel played back in the late 60s and early 70s. His career stats include 4,826 yard receiving, 196 yards rushing, 1,000 return yards, and 1 arrest for indecent exposure to a 10-year old girl. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Wow, 196 yards rushing, that’s a lot for a reciev… wait, WHAT?!?” Yes, Lance Armstrong is named after an alleged sex offender. Now, no one is saying Lance Rentzel is guilty of these accusations, and no one is denying that Lance Armstrong is a totally bad-ass name, but couldn’t Armstrong at least pretend his parents picked the name at random?
2) Won “BBC Sports Personality of the Year Overseas Personality” award (2003)
How important can this award be if they didn’t even bother to run a grammar check on the name?
1) Built a Dam on His Texas Ranch
According to sources, while attempting to build a dam on his property, Lance Armstrong accidentally polluted a local swimming hole. Armstrong had to spend half a million dollars to eliminate the dam and fix the creek, and angry neighbors demanded another $50,000 to vacuum dangerous particles out of the water.
So there you have it, people. Lance Armstrong is a terrible dam-builder. See, he’s not that great.
OK, who are we kidding? He probably rebuilt the dam so well that beavers came from out of town to take pictures. Lance Armstrong is officially better than everyone at everything. Let’s just deal with it and move on with our second-rate lives.
Sheryl Crow rose to fame in the mid-to-late 90s with hit songs like “My Favorite Mistake,” “A Change Would Do You Good” and “Anything But Down,” all of which explored various aspects of relationships. But while dating Lance Armstrong from 2003 to 2006, Sheryl did not release any relationship-themed massive hit singles. In fact, she only had one huge hit during that time, and it was a cover of the Cat Stevens song “The First Cut is the Deepest.” 
